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Love is a Gift, Not a Reward

 Little people constantly show me things about myself. They particularly expose lies that I have incorporated as truth since my own childhood. No, I'm not talking Santa, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy stuff. I'm talking heart stuff. One day a few years ago, a student asked me if I loved them. I had been working with them maybe a few months. My honest answer was no. My reasoning was I hadn't known them long enough to love them. She faithfully asked a few months later. Since she was one of my favorite students it was easier to give her a more affirmative answer, about her...not her classmates. 



See, during my childhood love was connected with performance. If you perform well, (read perfectly) then you can experience love. When you miss that mark, expect criticism, punishment, and even rejection. So adult me has been living life trying to earn love. Earn love at work. Earn love at church. Earn love in relationship. And avoid criticism! (But that is a post for another day.)

There was a particular impetus that powerfully revealed to me that I didn't have to be perfect to still be loved. I was supposed to pick up my then boyfriend from the airport. His knee had been giving him such trouble that it was difficult to even walk. There were 3 problems to this plan. 1) I was a very timid DC driver. 2) I left late. 3) I didn't listen when he said I didn't have to come. Let's just say I arrived like an hour late, his account may say more. I was trembling from the anxiety of all the missed turns and trying to follow the GPS. I felt like a humongous failure. In my world failure = no more love. He greeted me lovingly and asked if I wanted him to drive. 



That incident burned into my mind. Our relationship was not negatively impacted because of my poor taxi skills? There was not love withdrawn? This began a journey for me in which I began learning more experientially about God's grace. Now, over three years later I can love a child I have just met. They don't have to prove themselves worthy of my love. But I am still a work in progress. I know that I have been hardwired to distill love as a reward instead of as a gift. When under pressure and stress, we revert back to what has been originally programmed. I have to be aware from where I have come. Are you aware of where you have come from? Thankfully God is able to guide us with an excellent model and example. 





I'm ready for the next "do you love us?" Only by the grace of God.  #BigLessonsFromLittles 



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