How Dare I?
Reflecting over a missions' experience takes time. And when a trip is international, there is usually guaranteed reflection time- on the 13+ hour flight home! Participating in the Jill's House weekend didn't allow for that kind of reflection. The ride back was less than an hour- and only one person went to sleep!
Upon arrival, within less than an hour of being at Jill's House, I was reminded of Nepal! Maybe in another blog I will write more about the temperature adventures of the weekend that caused me to say such a thing. Yet, even the next day when I took in the beauty of nature, I was reminded of Nepal.
That trip was February 2010. Although I was on a team that started as 4 in transit and bloomed to near 20 at the height of our medical camps, I often felt alone on that trip. The reason? I was mad at God. How Dare I, Right?! But I was. So I didn't really want to speak to Him beyond the bare necessities needed to be a part of the trip- but that's a whole different blog entry! At Jill's house I was reminded of my trip to Nepal because of the contrast in my relationship with God since that time 4 years ago. I enjoyed moments alone with God because we could talk freely and laugh about inside jokes. The difference between then and now? I have stopped thinking obedience is optional.
So a few days later as I am praying for understanding of my trip that just occurred, I am taking purposeful time to reflect. As certain thoughts arise I cannot help but to think, "How Dare I?!" I am overwhelmed with my attitude of ungratefulness. Maybe for the first time ever I am giving a second thought to people with special needs. People who have emotions to express but lack the cognitive ability to do so- yet I don't share because I choose not to. I don't "feel" like it. How dare I?
Yesterday morning there was a man on the bus with an enlarged and misshapened head and I felt embarrassed for myself. How many times have I nit picked about something I'm wearing, or a zit, or the size of this or that, or some other minor imperfection- when this man has spent 20+ years with something he cannot hide or change? Something everyone notices and immediately reacts to, something that makes him legally blind, something that requires an inner strength to even go out in public during rush hour- how dare I?
If anything, my experience at Jill's House has revealed my ungratefulness. I take the activity of my limbs, the relatively average size of my features, the functioning of my brain for granted. I actually have felt entitled to these "necessities". How dare I? They're blessings. Even the fact that I can write this and you can read it are blessings. God please help me to stop being so ungrateful. That's my prayer. And now that I see this grotesque side of me in the mirror, help me not to forget it as I walk away. Help me to be transformed.
Reflecting over a missions' experience takes time. And when a trip is international, there is usually guaranteed reflection time- on the 13+ hour flight home! Participating in the Jill's House weekend didn't allow for that kind of reflection. The ride back was less than an hour- and only one person went to sleep!
Upon arrival, within less than an hour of being at Jill's House, I was reminded of Nepal! Maybe in another blog I will write more about the temperature adventures of the weekend that caused me to say such a thing. Yet, even the next day when I took in the beauty of nature, I was reminded of Nepal.
That trip was February 2010. Although I was on a team that started as 4 in transit and bloomed to near 20 at the height of our medical camps, I often felt alone on that trip. The reason? I was mad at God. How Dare I, Right?! But I was. So I didn't really want to speak to Him beyond the bare necessities needed to be a part of the trip- but that's a whole different blog entry! At Jill's house I was reminded of my trip to Nepal because of the contrast in my relationship with God since that time 4 years ago. I enjoyed moments alone with God because we could talk freely and laugh about inside jokes. The difference between then and now? I have stopped thinking obedience is optional.
So a few days later as I am praying for understanding of my trip that just occurred, I am taking purposeful time to reflect. As certain thoughts arise I cannot help but to think, "How Dare I?!" I am overwhelmed with my attitude of ungratefulness. Maybe for the first time ever I am giving a second thought to people with special needs. People who have emotions to express but lack the cognitive ability to do so- yet I don't share because I choose not to. I don't "feel" like it. How dare I?
Yesterday morning there was a man on the bus with an enlarged and misshapened head and I felt embarrassed for myself. How many times have I nit picked about something I'm wearing, or a zit, or the size of this or that, or some other minor imperfection- when this man has spent 20+ years with something he cannot hide or change? Something everyone notices and immediately reacts to, something that makes him legally blind, something that requires an inner strength to even go out in public during rush hour- how dare I?
If anything, my experience at Jill's House has revealed my ungratefulness. I take the activity of my limbs, the relatively average size of my features, the functioning of my brain for granted. I actually have felt entitled to these "necessities". How dare I? They're blessings. Even the fact that I can write this and you can read it are blessings. God please help me to stop being so ungrateful. That's my prayer. And now that I see this grotesque side of me in the mirror, help me not to forget it as I walk away. Help me to be transformed.
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